PLEASE save my friday evening
1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?
3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
I would be flattered but wouldn’t believe you
4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
5: Are you interested in anyone right now?
6: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
Class with the cutie. Going out. Any unexpecting new stuff
7: Do you want to be single?
Yes and no
8: Did you go out or stay in last night?
Stayed in but with my best friend
I don’t want to want to please you. But I do..
I absolutely hate the fact that I always want to and feel the need to want to please you. Why is it such a fucking big deal to hide all these things that have become a part of my lifestyle, just for the fact that it will disappoint you. The more I hide the less you know me. The less you know me the less I feel like I’m your child. But if these things are revealed and you found out that I went out of your guidelines, you’ll be hurt and disappointed. I would much rather have you be angry and blame me, but you won’t. You will just ask me why, and blame yourselves for thinking that you raised me wrong.
I just want to be my own person. Is that wrong? I am just a curious human being, wanting to experience as much as I can while I’m young. I’m not gonna go insane. I’m not gonna go kill myself.
Why do I even care..? Why do I feel the need to need your acceptance? I always feel like I’m not enough to make you happy anyway. There’s always something wrong even without you knowing these “fallen secrets” of mine.
You are always pointing out my flaws.
You don’t appreciate me.
Anything I do, I never feel your acceptance.
I work hard to get good grades because you think I’m stupid.
And you’re response to any award I get is a nonchalant “that’s good”
You don’t even bother coming to my scholarship ceremony.
I tried so hard to impress you.
I work so fucking hard, and I hate your heartless responses.
I work countless hours and pay for my own schooling. I would come home exhausted from work, and you complain to me about how I don’t do anything for the house.
You expect me to set the standard as the oldest girl and be an example for my sisters. When I don’t even want my sisters to live their life influenced by everything I do, whether it’s good or bad. I want them to make their own decisions, and not decisions based off of mine.
Even if I try my very best to impress you, you will not be impressed.
So why fucking bother.
All these reasons for why I should just not care. All these reasons for why I should allow myself to do what I want without a care for what you think.
Because I will never be good enough for you.
You are looking for a perfect child that you will never have, and by trying to create that out of me, you are making me the opposite.
You are the reason why I am insecure and unsatisfied with myself. The reason why I can never accept myself.
I hate it. I just want to do me. I want to do what I want and accept myself for my decisions.
I hate that I want to please you. I hate that I can never please you. And I hate that I have to feel guilty of not being able to please you.